Dear Reader,
Yet again I have slept in till about noon, though I may be the only male college student who actually sees this as a problem. Anyways, went for a ninety minute run today (was able to complete about 8.5 miles) and decided to add the teen angst band of my childhood, Linkin Park, to my K-pop playlist which resulted in one of the most conflicting runs I have ever attempted in my life. I went from going platinum on my new single to being dropped by my label for the fourth time all within the first thirty minutes (refer back to "Alter Ego" post if you are confused). It was overwhelming to say the least. Due to the emotional roller coaster my other self seemed to be experiencing, I spent most of my run in the real world.
*Cue Introspective/Flashback Sequence*
Linkin Park used to be my go-to-band for workout music during my Taekwondo years. The songs were mainly based off feelings of loneliness, depression, confusion, or anger. I felt like all these songs spoke to my soul. It is crazy how much power any album or even song for that matter can have on you. I haven't listened to Linkin Park in years, but the minute the first song came on today I was flooded with a sea of unwanted emotions. All those feelings of pain and anger came back, things I had used as fuel to push myself past my limits and achieve my goals. During high school I had the worst self-confidence, I always felt like people didn't think much of me or expected me to fail. Anytime I would get tired during a Taekwondo practice I would play the album in my head to push myself, I saw my accomplishments as an "F*** You!" to all those people against me. It was true that I was the underdog when I first joined the competitive sparring team, but looking back now I can see the only person that really expected me to fail was myself. Unfortunately I let these thoughts consume me at the time till I became obsessed with being the best and drove myself practically insane. I remember running miles barefoot in the winter to "toughen myself up", having sleepless nights anytime I lost a fight, and crying in the bathroom after practices I felt that I did not perform well in. Listening to Linkin Park only brings back all these memories.
While it is painful to relive all of this, it is something that I have not really dealt with. I still catch myself believing that people don't think anything of me or feeling that I am not good enough in whatever I do. It's impossible to completely change the way you think overnight, but after today's run I have become more aware and can hopefully begin to change. While I hope to never lose my ambition to succeed, I can no longer fuel it with anger or the need to prove anything to anyone other than myself.
*End Sequence*
While I had a very insightful run today, I don't think I stretched enough afterwards. I am currently sitting in a cafe by my house, but my legs have locked up and I may be here a while. Say hi if you happen be in the neighborhood.
Till next time,
Gonzalo
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| Adjusting camera. That is the face of concentration, or confusion as the shutter accidentally went off.... |
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| View from my run |
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| Perfect running weather; 70 degrees with a nice breeze. Also good for kite flying. |
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| Cafe shot |
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