According to Gonz: Diving Bell and Dim Sum

Dear Reader,

One of the things that I have on my list for this summer is to start watching foreign films. The blockbuster by my house just went out of business a couple of months ago so I went and bought several foreign movies, mainly based off the cover and how many awards they claimed to have won. There is something about watching a movie that you don't really know anything about; you don't go in with any expectations nor do you have to worry about all of the good parts being ruined by the trailer. Today I watched a French film called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. I don't want to give away too much cause it is worth giving a watch if you get a chance, but the film follows a man who is paralyzed from the neck down due to a stroke. He has also lost his ability to speak and is only able to use one eye as a means of communication. I found the first part of the movie difficult to get through, not because it was boring or slow, but because it is all filmed from his point of view. I can't imagine feeling so helpless, trapped within your own body. I wonder if this was how my grandmother felt before she passed away. During her last week she was there physically, but the grandmother I knew growing up was already gone. She could no longer speak and was hooked up to an oxygen tank to breathe. Unfortunately the last memory of my grandmother is when I stayed up one night to help keep an eye on her. She could not sleep laying down, because it made it too hard to breathe so I held her for a couple hours just so she could get a little rest. The night before she died I asked God to let her finally have a peaceful night of sleep. In my heart, I think I knew that would be her last night.

Dear Grandma,

Every time I touch the chain around my neck I remember you, you will always be in my heart. I want you to know that I am doing well so please don't worry. Hopefully one day I will grow up into a man you can be proud to call your grandson.

Love,

Gonzie

While the movie could be a bit of a downer, the main character does keep somewhat optimistic. His mind is still completely active so he uses his imagination and memories to help keep himself sane. Our minds are so powerful, we can create whole worlds within a few seconds. I guess this is somewhat similar to what I do when I go running. I think it may be time to let go of this other world though. My general tactic to battle my depression is to put in my headphones and go for a long walk. Rather than confront what is upsetting me, I retreat to my alter ego and his world. Still, I don't really know if this is healthy. It feels hard to let that part of me go, but is it really me or just something I made up? If anything it is my security blanket....I think I may keep him around a little bit longer.

On a happier note, I met an old photo friend in Chinatown for some late nite dim sum. For the last three years or so, it seems like it is a rare occasion when I meet anyone outside of school (not including family). This last year I have changed so much, I am relearning who I am which makes it difficult for me to really be myself and I come off as awkward sometimes. I guess a little awkwardness is part of me though lol. I hope these outings won't be so rare in the future.

.......

- Gonzalo