Meditation

Dear Reader,

This last week was somewhat...disheartening and ended with me deciding to take a break from Kung Fu again for like the fourth time. This time due to financial and emotional reasons that I would rather not go into. While I have not written a public post in a while, I have written several private entries to help me vent.

My mind seems have become very weak so I have decided to spend time gaining control of my mental state again. I started by going to the free meditation at the Buddhist temple (where I have been taking my Kung Fu classes). I have been to the meditation a few times and while I think I got fairly good at it, I have now lost the ability to clear my mind for more than five minutes. The meditation lasts about an hour; its an hour you spend sitting in one position, eyes half-closed, trying to keep completely still while clearing your mind and keeping a steady breath. Unfortunately not only did I have a lot on my mind, but I seemed to be distracted by anything and everything.

-  I should have worn different pants, these are cutting into my stomach. 
- I bet it's only been like 5 minutes 
- I hear music playing outside. There's a fire starting in my heart reaching a fever dun dun dun da dah dun 
- Out of the corner of my eye I see the woman next to me move her legs in front of her, Glad she is actually moving so I won't feel as bad. I scratch my head. 
- I need a job, I guess I should work through the fall semester 
- My neck itches 
- What am I even doing with my life? 
- That anti-pasto salad in the fridge sounds really good right now. I think I will finish it when I get   home.
- I can see what is behind me through the reflection in my glasses. Why does everyone who walks by stare through the windows? Hey look a bunch of people sitting! 
- I wonder what those three statues at the alter mean? 
- Random daydreams about conversations with different people  
- God its going to be hot on Thursday
- My mind is clear...for like 2 minutes
-  I can't feel my feet ..maybe if I just wiggle my toes a little bit..

Finally the session ends with some yoga type of thing which I forgot we did after meditation. All I can think is I hope my pants don't rip. 

While my mind was clear for just a short period of the meditation, something about taking the time to at least try and shut off everything is very therapeutic. Meditation allows me to simultaneously assess everything that is currently going on in my life while also taking a breather from it all. I came back feeling very clear headed and have gone into this week feeling re-energized.

I have been exercising regularly and trying to adopt a healthier diet, continuing my job search with more optimism, and working on getting together my digital portfolio.

Despite waiting at a job fair for four hours yesterday only to be denied an interview, I got a call from an interview I did last week and have secured a job working at a five day festival next month. It won't be much, but any kind of income would be great at this point. Also, due to how well I did in my writing course last semester, I have been offered the opportunity to take a course that could culminate with a paid position as a writing tutor in the Spring. Things are looking up, but I think after last weekend there wasn't anywhere else to go.

Here's to a successful week, for the both of us,

Gonzalo

This is how I spent my Tuesday afternoon...super exciting

Weird when you actually see your competition for a job in person, this is like only a third of the amount people all applying for the same position.

My Week: The Abridged Version

Dear Reader,

I know I did not post last week, but don't fear cause I took notes and am ready to catch you up. Prepare yourself for a whole weeks worth of posts in one entry.

Tuesday 6/12 - China Chat 

As I mentioned last month, one of my friends was getting ready to study abroad in China. She has been blogging about her trip so far (http://kirstyinchina.blogspot.com), but Tuesday was the first time we have skyped since she has been out of the country. She is now a semi-expert in chopsticks and also somewhat of a celebrity in China. Many Chinese citizens have never seen an American in person before and seem to be fascinated with her. She mentioned that while visiting different Chinese landmarks, instead of taking in the scenery, people would ask to take pictures with her. Overall she seems to be enjoying her visit so far and I hope she will continue to blog more about her experiences.

 To Kirsty, good luck with your classes and try to enjoy your stint as a Chinese Celebrity.  Lets talk soon.
- Gonzalo

Went on a walk in Pilsen - Was trying to enjoy the weather before it got hot again 

Playing with mixed lighting with the cat

I'm afraid he will kill me in my sleep one day...

Wednesday 6/13 - Paranoia

A couple years ago I was introduced to a little T-shirt company based in Chicago called Threadless. Artists submit T-shirt designs that are then voted on by the community and the highest rated designs each week get printed. I now have one drawer completely dedicated to the different Threadless shirts I have. I recently found out that the office/warehouse was not too far from my house so I decided to make a trip out there to take a look. You are able to walk around part of the building and from the the little bit I saw, it was unlike any office I have ever been too. I think I will just let the pictures do the explaining though.

That evening as I was watching the news, I began to hear about a string of mob attacks that were happening downtown. I like going on walks and just getting lost in neighborhoods, but I find I am still somewhat naive to the possible dangers of being in an unfamiliar area. I began to get a little bit of anxiety and found it hard to determine what the balance is between being aware and just paranoid. I mean I don't want to have to worry about being mugged every time I leave the house, but I also don't want to be stupid and put myself in a possible dangerous situation. I was home alone that night and my parents were on vacation so I did not want to bother them. I tried calling my brother, but he did not answer :P

 

I get lost going pretty much anywhere...today was not an exception

Apparently anyone is welcome to just come in and play pool, ping pong, or some of their arcade games

Yes, that is beer by the door

Thursday 6/14 - Chicken???

To be honest I don't really remember what I did most of this day. I woke up in the morning and took my Kung Fu class. It has been  hard to get back into training again and feel like I am struggling to keep up, but it at least gets me on a regular schedule. That evening I attempted to cook again (my last dish was not very blog worthy) and it actually did not come out too bad. It was an orange-soy sauce chicken over asparagus. While I consider edible to be a success this early in my "cooking career", the chicken stayed very moist and picked up the flavor of the sauce. The asparagus was pretty good too.

Here it is in all its glory!

Friday 6/15 - Too Grainy... 

After a burger cook-out at home, my Aunt and I decided to take a look at the Bridgeport art scene. Every third Friday of the month most of the art galleries in the neighborhood open their doors to the public so they can hopefully sell some pieces as well as show everyone what they are currently working on. For me these events are always like going to multiple art museums in one day with free food (most of the artists put out snacks and booze). While I'm not a painter or a sculptor, you never know where you might get some sort of inspiration; this is the main reason that I like to visit all the galleries.

There was only one photography exhibit I can remember; it was a series of portraits of people the photographer met during his travels outside the US. Subject wise I liked almost every single picture, but my photo classes have given me a very critical eye which made certain things distracting. Most of the pictures looked extremely grainy and many seemed to have certain sections that appeared to be blown out. There was even one picture where the first thing I saw was a piece of dust in the corner; that small white spec seemed to overtake my whole view of the photograph. Thank you Columbia, you have made it almost impossible for me to not over-analyze every aspect of any picture I see :D

Inside one of the galleries

Saturday 6/16 - BRAINS!!! 

First off, today in Kung Fu I finally landed my Aerial (no-handed cartwheel)!!!! I have been trying to do this for years and when it finally happened I could not believe I even did it. It seemed to happen so fast; I am just getting ready to jump when all of sudden my feet have rotated over my head only to find the ground again. During the last thirty minutes of class we practiced doing other flips on the mat, ending with a back tuck which my masters seemed to be convinced I should be able to do with ease. I told them "Only one new thing a day", but they convinced me to at least try after I made them promise to not let me break my neck.

When I see other people do flips I always wonder what it feels like to be airborne, what do you think about. For me pre-flip all I can think is "Don't fall on your face", mid-flip happens so fast  I didn't even have time to think, and post-jump the first thought is "I'm not dead!!!". I don't have a lot of grace in the air yet, but hopefully with practice I will become more coordinated.

The second half of the day I decided to head downtown for this years Zombie March.  I heard about the march from a post my friend put on facebook and thought it would be something interesting to photograph. I was not quite sure what to expect and was surprised at the huge number of people dressed up, ready to walk the streets of Chicago as a zombie hoard. There were lots of themed zombies from Amy Winehouse to a whole group of Disney inspired zombies. It was not like an official parade or anything so everyone actually just walked on the sidewalks. The best part was that most of the people in the march were really into the thing and would play it up for the camera. I followed the group for about an hour and at one point the leader pointed at me saying "Everyone scare that guy!". Despite the hot weather, it was a lot of fun and I got some good pictures.

BRAINS!!!

Why so serious?

True Terror

"What are you doing with that camera?"

  

Finger slipped on the shutter speed before this picture so it is extremely over-exposed, but I loved the picture. Sorry :)

Sunday 6/17 - Bow Ties

 For me May through September are the five months of parent appreciation since May is Mother's Day, June is Father's Day, July is my mom's birthday, August is my dad's birthday, and September is my parent's anniversary which I usually don't do anything for because of the last four months. I feel like a bad son since I did not get my dad anything for father's day this year, but he never asks for anything and I will have to come up with something else to get him in two months. Ideas anyone? I did at least call and we talked for a little bit (meaning I talked about whatever popped into my head for about  thirty minutes while my father threw in a comment here or there).

Happy Father's Day dad, just because I did not send anything does not mean I don't appreciate you :D.

For dinner, the whole Chicago family got together to celebrate the day with my Grandfather at this restaurant in Greek Town. I felt like dressing up that day and decided to wear a bow tie, red shorts, and blue shoes which got mixed reactions from my family members. One of my Aunts told me I looked like a science professor while another exclaimed "What are you wearing?" when she walked in. My nine-year old cousin always seems to notice what I am wearing and makes my favorite comments. One time he told me "Your look today is very French. I like it". He noticed I looked different today and told me that usually I dress more like an artist. Honestly I just wanted to try something new, I mean how often to you get the opportunity to wear a bow tie?

Despite the fact that I am the oldest grandchild here, I have already figured out I will probably be the shortest (my fashion conscious cousin is standing in front of me in the green)

Monday 6/18 - Double Rainbow 


During Kung Fu class this morning it seems I pushed myself to far. I think I "overheated" if that even makes sense. I was going full force in everything for about an hour until it came time to practice weapons. My instructor told me to practice this move where I spin a sword above my head when suddenly I began to feel very light headed. I sat down for a little bit, trying to regain my composure; as I went to wipe sweat from my face I found it was hot to touch, almost like I had a fever or something. I ended up leaving class early. I feel very embarrassed and frustrated at the same time. I used to be able to push my body past it limit, but I think I have gotten weaker both physically and mentally.  I went back to the school later to apologize for leaving early, but something got lost in translation. He did not seem to mind anyways, so really it was just my perfectionist mindset that was eating at me.

Unfortunately I did not get the job call I was expecting this last week so decided it was time to go around asking for new employment opportunities. It has been in the 90's these past couple days and since I knew I would be doing a lot of walking, I decided to dress more for comfort than presentation. The first store I hit on my walk was Payless and much to my luck (or so I thought) the manager was standing up front. I asked her if she was currently hiring. She looked me up and down as she said "Yes...". She then told me that based on the way that I was dressed today she would probably not hire me since this is retail and presentation means everything. She gave me the website to which I could apply as I left extremely embarrassed. I was not going in anywhere for an interview and I did not think that I looked rough or anything, but was not dressed in business casual attire either. Feeling mortified I walked around the rest of the shopping district just taking down the names of the different stores, too embarrassed to even inquire about a job in person. All job applications are online now anyways.

Later on the way to the movies with my Grandpa, I spotted a double rainbow. That's gotta be good luck or something. Right?

Here's to better luck tomorrow

 I said it was abridged, not short. Thanks for hanging in there though :D

Yours Truly,
Gonzalo

Dishwasher Needed

Dear Reader,

Good News:  I secured my first job as a photographer. 

Bad News: I just found out the job is a volunteer position, meaning not paid. I currently have no income whatsoever.

While the pessimist (or realist as my Aunt would say) in me says otherwise, lets focus on the positive first. Through one of my teachers I got the opportunity to cover the PRSA Midwest District Conference.  This is the first time they are hosting this event and they really want me to try to capture the essence of the whole conference. This will also be the first time that I am officially covering any kind of event and while I am super excited, I would be lying if I did not admit I am a bit nervous as well. I hold very high expectations for myself which sometimes causes undue stress, but I am trying to keep in mind that this is why I have been working so hard and I now have the skill set to do a good job.

A teleconference with one of the coordinators was set for this afternoon and upon waking up I found a five page schedule detailing each hour of the three day conference as well as the shots they are expecting me to get. It may not seem like much to some, but I have never done this before and found myself a bit overwhelmed at first. After talking to the coordinator I was put at ease though as she was super friendly and able to answer any questions I had. There a lot of positives about this job; I will get some real-world experience, be able to network and establish business relationships, and finally be able to list "Event Photography" experience on my resume (almost every internship I want to apply for requires some experience covering events).

While all of this is great, we must reel ourselves back into the real world. I currently don't have a job and my bank account is definitely beginning to reflect this as I watch my statement decrease each week. Unfortunately I waited till I was done with classes to start sending out applications and now find myself competing against almost every other college student in the city looking for some summer dough. I used to  consider myself a frugal person, but lately it seems  I alternate between a week of staying on a strict budget to a week where I seem to forget what the word "budget" even means. I hate having to ask my parents for anything as they are already paying for school (which is insanely expensive), so in other words I need a job like yesterday. I dropped by one potential employer a few days ago and they said that if were to get a call it would be sometime this week. On a walk the other day I found a Chinese restaurant with a "Dishwasher Needed" sign in the window, both in Chinese and English. If I don't get a call by Friday, I will be dropping off an application there...For some reason I have visions of sweating in a hot kitchen while I get cursed at in Chinese.

Well at least it will be something to blog about....I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Wish me luck,
Gonzalo

My favorite candy that I seem to be able to only find in random gas stations. Had not seen it anywhere in Chicago till today.

Monthly Review

Dear Reader,

I started this blog as a way to practice my photography and writing skills, as well as keep me accountable to going out and actually trying new experiences. I figured that a blog post would be pretty boring if I did not do anything all day.

One month and twenty posts later it seems that this blog has shifted from what I originally intended, but it really has been a learning experience. I think I am starting to find my voice as a writer and am surprised to see that even on the somewhat "ordinary" days I am able to come up with something different to write about. My favorite example of this was "Alter Ego". As far as my photography goes, it has been interesting to really try and document my life on a daily basis. The other day my grandpa and I were eating breakfast when I thought I should take a picture right now, so went and grabbed my tripod to capture the moment. When I was working on my "What to Wear" post, there were certain people who caught my eye that had me thinking If only I could get them to pose for me. For some I actually got up the courage to just walk up to them and ask; everyone said yes too.

Still I would like to get back to the one of the main purposes of this blog which was to somewhat force myself to go out and try new things. I've been out of school for a month now and while it has been great to detox from this very busy school year, it is time to get myself moving again. I have a few things I want to accomplish this month.

1) Try out a dance class
2) Meet someone new
3) Take an improv class at Second City
4) Get a job
5) Expand my Culinary Knowledge (try new restaurants, cook new dishes, try new foods)

I hope I can do this and more this month. Also I really enjoy hearing back from you, please continue to follow me this summer and don't hesitate to give me your opinions on any posts/pictures you like/dislike.

Wish me luck :D

- Gonzalo

Tried falafel for the first time yesterday....ya not really a fan

Just a Walk in the Park

Dear Reader,

I have been stuck in the house pretty much all week other than a short 2 hour outing on Tuesday and a thirty minute run to the store on Thursday. Normally this would make me extremely stir crazy, but to be honest I just feel very drained. Being sick does seem to zap your physical energy, but I think some of it went to my head. I decided that some fresh air would probably do me some good despite not even having the motivation to leave my bed.

After a rather disappointing breakfast at this Mexican Cafe with my Grandpa, I popped a few pills and headed downtown to do one of the things I do best. Buy clothes that I don't really need, but at a discounted price. Today for twenty bucks I scored a new shirt and a cardigan. I've always felt like I could be one of the spokespeople for a Burlington Coat Factory commercial (even though I don't think I've ever actually bought anything there) where I'm like "I got that outfit 80% off and with the extra money I got another pair of jeans and a parrott." I justify today's buy as that "I needed some neutrals to tone down some of the other bright pieces I have bought lately."

Anyways, on the way home I stopped in the park (not the Chinatown one) that I found on one of my runs; I took some pictures there a few weeks ago. I had only explored a little bit of the area, but to be honest I did not expect much "nature" since it is the city and all. Still I was surprised to find a little lake/cove area where a bunch of people were fishing. I spent about an hour there just people watching, taking pictures, enjoying the freak weather of Chicago (It was practically 30 degrees colder two days earlier), and just completely escaping my thoughts.

There was one group of boys, probably somewhere between eight or ten, that somehow reminded me of myself. They were so carefree as they ran around teasing each other, moving from spot to spot as they were too impatient to wait for a fish to bite. Well they reminded me of myself till they opened their mouths. After spotting a particularly large fish, one exclaimed "LOOK AT THAT BIG ASS FISH!!!" to which another replied "I"M GONNA CATCH THAT BITCH!!!". Maybe I am just old-fashioned, or maybe I was just sheltered, but I don't generally expect that type of ... vocabulary from people so young. I feel old now lol

I think today was just what I need though. New clothes, exercise, relaxation, reflection, and a good laugh. Tomorrow I have something special planned so we will see how that goes.

Signing out,

Gonzalo

Welcome

Pathway

I agree, fishing is kind of boring

Birds Eye

:D

Editing

Dear Reader,

It has been a week since my last post. To be honest, I have found myself in a slump both creatively and emotionally. It's a struggle to even write this post as I can't seem to focus my thoughts into something that even makes sense or is really cohesive. Please forgive me as I try my best to work through all of the mess that is my mind right now.

I have been running away from this blog. It is beginning to evolve into something I did not expect. First off, I really do look at this all as a project, almost a creative experiment as it is something very unique from anything I have done.There is not anything I am necessarily trying to prove nor any specific template I need to follow. I guess the main purpose was to create a way I could practice my photography and writing skills, but now I would say it has become more of a diary since I have been so openly sharing what has been on my mind. That is one of the things that scares me about this blog, how personal it is. This last week has been hard, I have not wanted to write what I felt for I am afraid of admitting my thoughts to myself. One morning, in that kind of half-awake half-asleep moment before you alarm goes off, I actually thought "Today I am going to write a post about self-hate...ya that will be pretty good." Upon fully waking up, I remembered this thought, but could not believe it even came into my mind. It is a horrible thing to think and not something that I would really want to delve into. Ironically despite the very fun and happy day I had, that night I found the same idea hit me very hard. As I sat at my laptop that night I could not bring myself to type a single word. I must admit it is something that I have struggled with all my life, but not something I think I want to openly discuss in this way.


*sigh*

Each post I write generally takes several hours of writing and editing, mainly to make sure that everything makes sense and has a good overall all flow. Despite the major editing that occurs, I try my best to keep the integrity of each entry so that it is not changed from what I am truly feeling at that moment. By not posting this last week though, I have edited out a whole chapter of this blog, a time of weakness in my life. Due to the nature of what this project is supposed to be, that is unacceptable.

I will try to be more honest in the future, but please be there to support me as well.

Sometimes I feel like no one hears me.

- Gonzalo

Been sick, so I have most of my week in this room. It's a prime spot too since I have easy access to the TV, bathroom, kitchen, and the chair is comfortable enough for me to sleep in. Decided to put on some real clothes today too since I have been living in my pajamas for a while. Hoping to be better by Monday.