Editing

Dear Reader,

It has been a week since my last post. To be honest, I have found myself in a slump both creatively and emotionally. It's a struggle to even write this post as I can't seem to focus my thoughts into something that even makes sense or is really cohesive. Please forgive me as I try my best to work through all of the mess that is my mind right now.

I have been running away from this blog. It is beginning to evolve into something I did not expect. First off, I really do look at this all as a project, almost a creative experiment as it is something very unique from anything I have done.There is not anything I am necessarily trying to prove nor any specific template I need to follow. I guess the main purpose was to create a way I could practice my photography and writing skills, but now I would say it has become more of a diary since I have been so openly sharing what has been on my mind. That is one of the things that scares me about this blog, how personal it is. This last week has been hard, I have not wanted to write what I felt for I am afraid of admitting my thoughts to myself. One morning, in that kind of half-awake half-asleep moment before you alarm goes off, I actually thought "Today I am going to write a post about self-hate...ya that will be pretty good." Upon fully waking up, I remembered this thought, but could not believe it even came into my mind. It is a horrible thing to think and not something that I would really want to delve into. Ironically despite the very fun and happy day I had, that night I found the same idea hit me very hard. As I sat at my laptop that night I could not bring myself to type a single word. I must admit it is something that I have struggled with all my life, but not something I think I want to openly discuss in this way.


*sigh*

Each post I write generally takes several hours of writing and editing, mainly to make sure that everything makes sense and has a good overall all flow. Despite the major editing that occurs, I try my best to keep the integrity of each entry so that it is not changed from what I am truly feeling at that moment. By not posting this last week though, I have edited out a whole chapter of this blog, a time of weakness in my life. Due to the nature of what this project is supposed to be, that is unacceptable.

I will try to be more honest in the future, but please be there to support me as well.

Sometimes I feel like no one hears me.

- Gonzalo

Been sick, so I have most of my week in this room. It's a prime spot too since I have easy access to the TV, bathroom, kitchen, and the chair is comfortable enough for me to sleep in. Decided to put on some real clothes today too since I have been living in my pajamas for a while. Hoping to be better by Monday.